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Sonntag, 22. Juli 2012
Montag, 9. Juli 2012
Consecrated
When of old we could only see God's fire: in the pillar of fire marking God's presence for the Israelites, or in the burning bush blazing into Moses' face - and what a breathtaking, mindblowing, blinding manifestation this was! - today we ourselves are ablaze with the fire of God.
Every believer has been consecrated with His tongues of fire (Acts 2), so that we can rightfully praise God - by His Spirit, He draws the 'Hosanna' from our mouths. We could not even declare His name without His assistance... but more than that: "he makes ... his ministers a flaming fire." (Psalm 104:4) Thus, He in us will blaze into the face of the world to draw his people back to His warmth and light, like Simon Ponsonby says, "By His power, I want to become this shining light that is ever pointing to the beauty of the Father. The Holy Spirit, the fire of God, did not come for our entertainment, but for our empowerment for evangelism."
O Lord, fill me to the fullness with this powerful Spirit of Yours, for Your glory!
Every believer has been consecrated with His tongues of fire (Acts 2), so that we can rightfully praise God - by His Spirit, He draws the 'Hosanna' from our mouths. We could not even declare His name without His assistance... but more than that: "he makes ... his ministers a flaming fire." (Psalm 104:4) Thus, He in us will blaze into the face of the world to draw his people back to His warmth and light, like Simon Ponsonby says, "By His power, I want to become this shining light that is ever pointing to the beauty of the Father. The Holy Spirit, the fire of God, did not come for our entertainment, but for our empowerment for evangelism."
O Lord, fill me to the fullness with this powerful Spirit of Yours, for Your glory!
Samstag, 30. Juni 2012
50+
(Random) Thank you for...
1. my breath
2. a voice to praise You
3. the mind of Christ
4. Your Spirit in me
5. Your Word
6. hands
7. health
8. healing
9. St Aldates Church
10. last year
11. trees
12. water
13. clouds
14. the sun
15. visions and pictures
16. friends
17. ears
18. the ability to think
19. eyes to see beautiful things
20. tastebuds
21. my camera
22. how You treated women
23. wisdom
24. Your life on earth
25. forgiveness
26. our hope and inheritance: heaven
27. provision
28. the Trinity
29. peace in our country
30. mentors
31. the opportunity to do an MSc
32. Commonwealth House
33. opportunities to share Your gospel
34. summer holidays
35. making me
36. taking me back when I run away
37. my family
38. bay windows
39. seasons
40. warmth
41. history
42. Moses, David, Daniel, Abraham, Paul
43. starting life as child
44. the internet
45. beauty
46. books
47. Your wings of protection
48. praying for me
49. waiting to come back
50. making me dependent
...
"Understand what the will of the Lord is: (...) giving thanks always for all things to God the Father."
- Eph 5:20
Stamp: 'Forgiven'
He wakes me with the stamp, "Forgiven", and the wider I open my eyes the more I perceive the constant ripple of blessings raining down on me from the heavenly places. I am safe and secure in the prayer hug He throws me in from morning to evening to morning. All that remains for me is to ask Him to widen my heart and hands and mind so I can avail myself of the fulness of His love and power. And to not stop gazing on His beauty and taking up the invitation to eat at His table, which is laid out for me day after day. What a joy to belong to His Kingdom!
Mittwoch, 20. Juni 2012
Amen und Antwort
Durch unser zum Himmel kreisendes 'Amen'
lässt Du die Leiter herab
von Engeln erhellt.
Auf unsern zaghaften Schrei geschieht eine
ewigkeitsumspannende
sphärendurchbrechende
feindschlagende
Antwort.
lässt Du die Leiter herab
von Engeln erhellt.
Auf unsern zaghaften Schrei geschieht eine
ewigkeitsumspannende
sphärendurchbrechende
feindschlagende
Antwort.
Samstag, 16. Juni 2012
Donnerstag, 14. Juni 2012
needles
Your absence has gone through me
like thread through a needle.
Everything I do
is stitched with its colour.
(poems on the underground)
Needless to say, this is not where the story ends. Jesus has a far better plan. He has replaced the black with a golden thread, crying alongside as the pain of the wound ripped open became almost unbearable. But it's all for a good purpose, and His healing oil keeps pouring over the the tiny stitches... The scar now speaks of glory, of power, of beauty. Never would I have thought this possible, never dreamt of such tender care.
"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.”
Mark 10:25These words speak of more than what we commonly perceive. Only as we leave it all to Him, become poor for His riches, will the thread fit and fulfill His purpose. There is gold stitched all over me now. It is only as He empowers us to yield to His touch that we exchange the autumnal death for His promise to transform us into an evergreen fir, which never looses its needles...
Samstag, 2. Juni 2012
How to Celebrate a Monarch
It can't really get more British than this... and all this for the Queen! Gotta love British patriotism - when it's not connected to football - or colonialism for that matter...
Donnerstag, 17. Mai 2012
tears
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:3
He can't wipe away every tear in heaven because there won't be any tears in heaven. but He will wipe them off anyway, as if they were still there. One wipe for every single one. This means He will never stop gently holding my face...
Dienstag, 15. Mai 2012
Montag, 14. Mai 2012
Abraham knew Jesus
According to Johannes Calvin, all through the Old Testament Jesus was known. How mind-boggling but - when you think about it - utterly obvious is this! The impacts of this revelation on my view of the living God are huge. But let me explain...
The evidence for the gospel to have been there from creation (and, according to Calvin, creation being "the theatre of the gospel") lies in the fact that God doesn't have a plan B. Often, the story of salvation is presented thus: in the Old Testament, the people of Israel had the law and were saved by works; in the New Testament, people are saved by faith. But doesn't Galatians 3:11 say,
"it is evident that no one is justified before God by the law, for 'The righteous shall live by faith.'"
Not even Abraham did anything to earn God's favour - Romans 4:3:
“Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness.”
There was grace in the OT, too - grace that looked forward to the incarnation of Jesus. Yet, Jesus as part of the Trinity, has always been there. He has many names in the Old Testament. He is the Word of God, the Voice of God, the Angel of God, the Presence, etc (see also John 1 for evidence). So, as early as Genesis 3:8 we can see Jesus come and meet with the fallen humans -
"And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden." (see Matthew 26:36-43 for beautiful parallel)
Another instance is Genesis 15, when it says
"And behold, the word of the Lord came to him: “This man shall not be your heir; your very own son shall be your heir.” And he brought him outside and said, “Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.”"
Abraham here actually trusts the SON - He is indeed the Mediator even as early as this in salvation history!
Genesis 16 speaks of the angel of the Lord coming to speak to Hagar. 'Angel' in Hebrew actually means 'messenger' - and can well be used of Christ. A good indication of the angel being Christ is when he accepts worship - whereas the angels = spiritual beings (like in Revelation) do not.
The implications of Exodus 3, and God=Jesus speaking from the burning bush, are massive.
"God said to Moses, “I am who I am.” ...‘The Lord, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.’"
If Jesus says of Himself that He is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, it really is God incarnate who later died for us!!
In John 1:18, facts are pretty clear -
"No one has ever seen God; the only God, who is at the Father's side, he has made him known."
No one has seen God, not even Moses, of whom it is said in Exodus 33 -
"Thus the Lord used to speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend."
Face to Face. Even though a little later he can't see the face of God? (But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live.”) It must be Jesus, showing the Father, sitting on the Arc of the Covenant.
Now imagine - Jesus sits there and sees the priest make their offering of animals year in year out - all the while knowing that finally, He Himself will be offered as a blood sacrifice to terminate this process.
This makes me shiver in awe. Abraham is actually my brother... these people are indeed my "cloud of witnesses" (Hebrews 12:1) because they knew Jesus!
Donnerstag, 3. Mai 2012
Boldness in Regard to Heaven
I read an article recently that left me stunned. Beiden C. Lane manages to put into breathtakingly beautiful words a side of God that we all too often step away from - He loves us with a passion, and longs to be loved back in the same way: "Israel's God longs to be deeply desired by God's people—a God taking joy in aggressive lovers."
See Hosea 2:14-20, for instance:
And from this place of deeply knowing the God who is our bridegroom and husband, we can call out to Him with an intimacy and fervour that is lacking otherwise. Just like Jesus himself -
"In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence." Hebrews 5:7
Lane states that "boldness in prayer (...) exhibits a robust faith." This boldness is what we need in the face of suffering, when we don't know which way to go because we are stuck and swamped over by grief and desperation. Then, like the prophets and many of God's men and women in the Bible, we can argue with God - not a distant and removed God, but with a God who takes any attack on His Holy Ones personally:
"There is a shockingly profound access to God's inner life that is revealed in the stories growing out of this tradition of prayer rooted in prophetic insight. As the following examples suggest, God is so vulnerable to the pleas of God's children as to need to be protected from divine graciousness. God so agonizes over behaving justly toward God's people as to open the divine will to their scrutiny. God so exults in God's law as to rejoice even when the people quote it against God. These metaphors offer an imaginative reconnaisance of the divine interiority. They disclose a God rich in pathos."
We can remind God of His promises in our prayers, and hold Him accountable towards them when we find ourselves oppressed!
This arguing does not have to be well-phrased, deeply thought-through, and fully understandable. When we really face suffering, and long for God's reign in it, we can call out to Him as the one closest to our hearts and minds.
"The language of prayer discussed here is a limit-language, spoken from the edge of the abyss. Incapable of the secure certainty of prose, it mumbles half-words— lapses into a grief eased only by story. The theologian is here displaced by the poet. Perhaps that must always be the case when ordinary language succumbs to the enormity of existence."
And so, we can eventually enter into a relationship with Him that John Donne describes in a - for some - outrageous poem. May we all know Him so intimately, and depend on Him so fully!
(quotes from "Hutzpa K'lapei Shamaya: A Christian Response to the Jewish Tradition of Arguing with God" by Beiden C. Lane)
See Hosea 2:14-20, for instance:
14 “Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
(...) 16 “And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ 17 For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. (...) I will make you lie down in safety. 19 And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. 20 I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord."
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
(...) 16 “And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ 17 For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. (...) I will make you lie down in safety. 19 And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. 20 I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord."
And from this place of deeply knowing the God who is our bridegroom and husband, we can call out to Him with an intimacy and fervour that is lacking otherwise. Just like Jesus himself -
"In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence." Hebrews 5:7
Lane states that "boldness in prayer (...) exhibits a robust faith." This boldness is what we need in the face of suffering, when we don't know which way to go because we are stuck and swamped over by grief and desperation. Then, like the prophets and many of God's men and women in the Bible, we can argue with God - not a distant and removed God, but with a God who takes any attack on His Holy Ones personally:
"There is a shockingly profound access to God's inner life that is revealed in the stories growing out of this tradition of prayer rooted in prophetic insight. As the following examples suggest, God is so vulnerable to the pleas of God's children as to need to be protected from divine graciousness. God so agonizes over behaving justly toward God's people as to open the divine will to their scrutiny. God so exults in God's law as to rejoice even when the people quote it against God. These metaphors offer an imaginative reconnaisance of the divine interiority. They disclose a God rich in pathos."
We can remind God of His promises in our prayers, and hold Him accountable towards them when we find ourselves oppressed!
"Hutzpa [= 'arguing with God'] in prayer can result only from a prolonged and painful look on unrelieved suffering. Yet, there is a comfortable triumphalism that too often has characterized the common prayer of enculturated Christianity. It knows very little of a costly sharing in the sufferings of Christ. It lacks that passionate longing and impatience for the reign of God that frequently marks the churches of the oppressed. Secure in its own distance from suffering, it finds unnecessary any agonized appeal for God's promised redemption. It rests content with a reign half-realized, a resurrection not yet complete. Its God, therefore, can remain one-dimensional, immovable, unembroiled in pathos."
This arguing does not have to be well-phrased, deeply thought-through, and fully understandable. When we really face suffering, and long for God's reign in it, we can call out to Him as the one closest to our hearts and minds.
"The language of prayer discussed here is a limit-language, spoken from the edge of the abyss. Incapable of the secure certainty of prose, it mumbles half-words— lapses into a grief eased only by story. The theologian is here displaced by the poet. Perhaps that must always be the case when ordinary language succumbs to the enormity of existence."
And so, we can eventually enter into a relationship with Him that John Donne describes in a - for some - outrageous poem. May we all know Him so intimately, and depend on Him so fully!
"Batter my heart, three-personed God.
Take me to You, imprison me, for I,
Take me to You, imprison me, for I,
Except You enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except You ravish me."
(quotes from "Hutzpa K'lapei Shamaya: A Christian Response to the Jewish Tradition of Arguing with God" by Beiden C. Lane)
Samstag, 28. April 2012
Now is Later
Only a while ago He told me, "Later I will teach you to swim."
I am swimming - o what grace!
Donnerstag, 26. April 2012
When God Dreams
"You are dreaming about me, Lord?!" - "Yes! Every day!"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I have a dream that my daughter will know where I was in every single situation of her life. I have a dream that she knows what she can do, and still walk closely by my side, because she is just so happy to be near me.
I have a dream that she will know with every single brain cell and every heartbeat and into the deepest crevices of her soul that I will not leave her. Ever. My being is more tightly bound to hers than any other could ever be. I have shown her this already when I laid down my life, so she might live.
I have a dream that she will assume the authority that is rightly hers as my daughter. I dream that she will step out in the strength and boldness and dignity, that like Moses she will stretch out her hand and call forth whatever I lead her to - water, bread, peace - in the name of Jesus, her Lord.
I have a dream that her heart will be continually open for me to fill, and that her eyes will light up whenever she hears my silent whisper and gentle prompting. I do not want to shout at her. I love the quiet voice.
I have a dream that she will follow the plan for her life that I have crafted and designed so carefully, and go to the places I have appointed for her, because I cannot wait to see her face when she meets me there!
Mittwoch, 25. April 2012
Disturb me!
"Disturb me, Lord, when my dreams come true, only because I dreamt too small. Disturb me when I arrive safely, only because I sailed too close to the shore. Disturb me when things I've gained cause me to lose my thirst for more of you. Disturb me when I've acquired success, only to loose my desire for excellence. Disturb me when I give up too soon and settle too far short of the goals you have set for my life."
- Anonymous
- Anonymous
One of Us
Hebrews 2:10
"For it was fitting for Him, for whom are all things and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons to glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings."
V 17-18
"Therefore, in all things He had to be made like His brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For in that He Himself has suffered, being tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted."
How amazing - God doesn't just know us and our struggles because He is omniscient and omnipotent in His being God and the Maker of all things; He also knows our struggles because He has limited Himself so much that He became a human being. What power - to be able to freely decrease in it for the sake of saving us undeserving sinners...
"For it was fitting for Him, for whom are all things and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons to glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings."
V 17-18
"Therefore, in all things He had to be made like His brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For in that He Himself has suffered, being tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted."
How amazing - God doesn't just know us and our struggles because He is omniscient and omnipotent in His being God and the Maker of all things; He also knows our struggles because He has limited Himself so much that He became a human being. What power - to be able to freely decrease in it for the sake of saving us undeserving sinners...
Sonntag, 22. April 2012
modern nomad
I hate to say goodbye. Once I've grown to like a place, or the people in it, I just don't want to face the reality of having to cut the ties, never to return again. So whenever I leave somewhere for some other place, part of me thinks, "Surely I will come back here. This is not goodbye." Which leaves bits of myself all over the place, like a net of home ('Home is where your heart is,' remember?), otherwise - and less sympathetically - called "geographic promiscuity" (http://themodernnomad.tumblr.com/).
I realise these days that I'm not the only one who is not tied to one single place, but with many places called home. Especially in a place like Oxford, which draws people from all over the world and then sends people everywhere for research and conference-hopping and working, all seems to be interconnected, and the strings that tie people to places cross and stretch and knot.
It is certainly true that many people migrate (and never in history have so many people been on the move) for pressing and valid reasons: war, famine, persecution, economic hopelessness. Always searching for places peaceful and prosperous to work and live with hope of a future and the protection of human rights."
(http://www.blackbird.vcu.edu/v6n1/gallery/zakharia_c/nomad.htm)
Fair enough. But what about those who have all these things, and still wander? Part of it is work-related, sure. But what about this extreme group of people, those who choose to give up their wealth to go and live in exotic places (almost a reverse migration), and call themselves 'modern nomads'? What is it within humans that always draws us to explore and claim 'new' territory? Especially entitled by an 'old' name? This is almost a neocolonial movement - the desire for the foreign exotic that leads those from welathy nations to 'nomadically' move around, learning and appropriating and influencing, and tieing places together that have never been connected before.
And yet they will never be fulfilled. This desire of people to conquer has led people to the moon and the universe, and still we have not found that place called home. Tolkien famously said, "Not all who wander are lost." But as long as we are searching this world for our ultimate home, we will be - no matter how tight the net is knit. Only when we set our hearts to a Kingdom that is not from this world, will we ever be free from our many ties to places; our ultimate home is Jesus in us, and eventually life eternal in Him.
Freitag, 20. April 2012
Peace All Over
"He calls us to such conscious realisation of His presence that trust becomes as natural an instinct to us as breathing. As Chambers put it, "When you really see Jesus, I defy you to doubt Him. When He says, 'Let not your hearts be troubled,' if you see Him I defy you to trouble your mind, it's a moral impossibility to doubt when he's there. Every time you get into personal contact with Jesus, his words are real. 'My peace I give you,' it's a peace all over from the crown of the head to the sole of the feet, an irrepressable confidence. 'Your life is hid with Christ in God,' and the imperturbable peace of Jesus is imparted to you." Such trust results in an inner peace that defies personal circumstances and trials. Whatever life throws at us, we know Jesus is bigger. Even in death, he gives us total assurance and confidence to trust Him and stand firm till the end."
- Simon Guillebaud in: 'More than Conquerors. A Call to Radical Discipleship.'
- Simon Guillebaud in: 'More than Conquerors. A Call to Radical Discipleship.'
Sonntag, 15. April 2012
Ablaze
I woke up today to spring birds singing, Oxford University students walking in and out of Pembroke College and cars searching for a parking spot, jolting over the cobble stones in front of our house. What a difference to the Ugandan morning song of the past two weeks - the NAREC girls praising God during their 'morning glory' at 5am (and eerily dragging my consciousness out of the dreamlands) and then getting ready for school, birds with much shriller, sharper calls, and boda bodas and lorries racing past the compound as the sun's heat slowly claimed every inch of sky.
The 12 500km flight back to England went fine, but my mind is still wandering round the streets and alleys of Kampala and hasn't quite arrived in Great Britain yet. What an inspiring, challenging, exciting and beautiful two weeks they have been! My horizon has exploded, and I am praying that it won't stop - that by re-living, thinking and interpreting what I have seen it will continue to expand on each side like stones catapulted by a sling. A two week window is not very much - and yet those glimpses of places, people and situations shine bright and won't be dimmed for a long time. I really want to see more of what God is doing in and through all of this. I am not praying for the confusion, challenge and discomfort of some of the situations to go away - I am praying for them to last, so that I seek God more and eventually gain His perspective on His world.
I have always been slightly condescending - perhaps proudly so - of people who went to Africa to help 'poor little African children' (often resulting in facebook profile pictures of them surrounded by cute little slum kids), without seeming to have much of an idea of the bigger picture of the government, economy, history and international relations they are involved in. I admit that my attitude is very much conditioned by studying postcolonial literature and theory for my degree, and even though a lot of their thought helpfully puts the Western mind into much needed boundaries, I still need some God-purification of the things I've learnt. I can't claim that I myself have a sufficient and above all, godly, understanding of the 'big picture'. All I do is working on what questions to ask, and I could do with some input and correction here.
That said, it still makes me flinch when I see Westerners go to 'Africa' (or any other formerly colonised place, for that matter) to 'help', or to 'go on mission', mostly because I am aware of the unquestioned mindset of some of them. Many have no idea that their derivation and inbred view of the place they go to have massive implications on the mission they are trying to do. Being pointed out as 'mzungu' over he last couple of weeks wherever I went was really strange, as it immediately brought back the centuries of patronisation of the North over the South, which sadly in many, more subtle ways, is still ongoing. And I'm certain I've missed some of the other connotations the word 'mzungu' implies...
This was also highlighted when I told people in Uganda about my friend who did her research there, for which I usually met a not very enthusiastic, maybe even defensive, reply. "So she knows more about our country than we do?" I find this interesting because I myself am thrilled when people do research in Germany - it presents new perspectives to my own understanding of my country, and I do feel that I as a German have the power to suggest areas of interest, my own corrections and examples to whatever they are researching. This is just a small instance, but again points out some of the unhealed relations of the world we live in.
If nations were people (and that's what they ultimately are, as they are made up and ruled by them) and we look at our history, this reaction is very understandable. And if nations were people, it is also only natural and essential that those who are in a better position (however they got there in the first place), and they realise others are less advantaged, go and share what they have. I leave this vague, as "better position" and "less advantaged" needs some explanation and is very much subjective. It is a good reflex to help and share when we can; what I question is whether we need to think more about what would actually be helpful.
Again, as a German I have been brought up with efforts over efforts of reconciliation with the Jews on whom horrendous suffering was inflicted during the Second World War. This makes me wonder how much reconciliation still needs to happen for the ugly sides of the colonial entreprise of my nation (which was moved slightly into the background), and those of the British Empire... I believe that for the Kingdom of our risen Lord to come, deep reconciliation needs to happen, on every scale possible. I wonder what our part is in this...
What I loved about our trip to Uganda is that we could join in with what God and the church are already doing. I can only speak for 'my side', but I have certainly profited from being able to surrender to the plans of our Ugandan friends and leader, of going along and doing things 'their way'. I learnt so much by doing so. Maybe there is even a glimpse of redemption in this.
And despite all the 'big picture talk', I found that actually meeting, praying for and giving hope to individuals is a way towards relieving situations that are not right. Apart from striving to understand the international relations that I am ensnared in and working out the consequences of my decisions within them, this is what I actually can do for my brothers and sisters, no matter where I come from.
It has become so clear that as people from different places (history aside) we can inspire, teach and challenge each other, and I believe we and our church in England and Germany would definately profit from a team of Ugandans visiting and joining in with what God is doing here, and offering their perspective on it all...
God rightfully demands our all - and I'm learning that this includes history, attitudes, mindsets, motivations, identity, power. May He continue to do His work in us...
The 12 500km flight back to England went fine, but my mind is still wandering round the streets and alleys of Kampala and hasn't quite arrived in Great Britain yet. What an inspiring, challenging, exciting and beautiful two weeks they have been! My horizon has exploded, and I am praying that it won't stop - that by re-living, thinking and interpreting what I have seen it will continue to expand on each side like stones catapulted by a sling. A two week window is not very much - and yet those glimpses of places, people and situations shine bright and won't be dimmed for a long time. I really want to see more of what God is doing in and through all of this. I am not praying for the confusion, challenge and discomfort of some of the situations to go away - I am praying for them to last, so that I seek God more and eventually gain His perspective on His world.
I have always been slightly condescending - perhaps proudly so - of people who went to Africa to help 'poor little African children' (often resulting in facebook profile pictures of them surrounded by cute little slum kids), without seeming to have much of an idea of the bigger picture of the government, economy, history and international relations they are involved in. I admit that my attitude is very much conditioned by studying postcolonial literature and theory for my degree, and even though a lot of their thought helpfully puts the Western mind into much needed boundaries, I still need some God-purification of the things I've learnt. I can't claim that I myself have a sufficient and above all, godly, understanding of the 'big picture'. All I do is working on what questions to ask, and I could do with some input and correction here.
That said, it still makes me flinch when I see Westerners go to 'Africa' (or any other formerly colonised place, for that matter) to 'help', or to 'go on mission', mostly because I am aware of the unquestioned mindset of some of them. Many have no idea that their derivation and inbred view of the place they go to have massive implications on the mission they are trying to do. Being pointed out as 'mzungu' over he last couple of weeks wherever I went was really strange, as it immediately brought back the centuries of patronisation of the North over the South, which sadly in many, more subtle ways, is still ongoing. And I'm certain I've missed some of the other connotations the word 'mzungu' implies...
This was also highlighted when I told people in Uganda about my friend who did her research there, for which I usually met a not very enthusiastic, maybe even defensive, reply. "So she knows more about our country than we do?" I find this interesting because I myself am thrilled when people do research in Germany - it presents new perspectives to my own understanding of my country, and I do feel that I as a German have the power to suggest areas of interest, my own corrections and examples to whatever they are researching. This is just a small instance, but again points out some of the unhealed relations of the world we live in.
If nations were people (and that's what they ultimately are, as they are made up and ruled by them) and we look at our history, this reaction is very understandable. And if nations were people, it is also only natural and essential that those who are in a better position (however they got there in the first place), and they realise others are less advantaged, go and share what they have. I leave this vague, as "better position" and "less advantaged" needs some explanation and is very much subjective. It is a good reflex to help and share when we can; what I question is whether we need to think more about what would actually be helpful.
Again, as a German I have been brought up with efforts over efforts of reconciliation with the Jews on whom horrendous suffering was inflicted during the Second World War. This makes me wonder how much reconciliation still needs to happen for the ugly sides of the colonial entreprise of my nation (which was moved slightly into the background), and those of the British Empire... I believe that for the Kingdom of our risen Lord to come, deep reconciliation needs to happen, on every scale possible. I wonder what our part is in this...
What I loved about our trip to Uganda is that we could join in with what God and the church are already doing. I can only speak for 'my side', but I have certainly profited from being able to surrender to the plans of our Ugandan friends and leader, of going along and doing things 'their way'. I learnt so much by doing so. Maybe there is even a glimpse of redemption in this.
And despite all the 'big picture talk', I found that actually meeting, praying for and giving hope to individuals is a way towards relieving situations that are not right. Apart from striving to understand the international relations that I am ensnared in and working out the consequences of my decisions within them, this is what I actually can do for my brothers and sisters, no matter where I come from.
It has become so clear that as people from different places (history aside) we can inspire, teach and challenge each other, and I believe we and our church in England and Germany would definately profit from a team of Ugandans visiting and joining in with what God is doing here, and offering their perspective on it all...
God rightfully demands our all - and I'm learning that this includes history, attitudes, mindsets, motivations, identity, power. May He continue to do His work in us...
Freitag, 13. April 2012
air port
A port of air. Taken from places all over the world, carried in the lungs of passengers going here and there and then mingling, only to be taken in again and carried on. Any goods to declare? A few particles of air from Karachi, from Buenos Aires (hope it's good), and from some unkown sources I cannot track down. Oh, and then someone sneezed on me - he sounded Swiss, but I'm not quite certain.
Airports are strange. So many barriers are crumbling in these few hundred square metres of internationality. Even though airports are built right at the heart of a nation (most of the time), they do not really belong, they are spaces of their own. Most people don't really want to be there anyway, especially if they are only in transfer. This bit of earth is only a chair to sit down on until that next aircraft carries you to another place, it doesn't matter whether it is in Yemen or Argentina or the Philippines. It is always day at an airport wherever it is, and yet for some people it is 3am in the morning, for others 2pm in the afternoon. Body clocks tick very differently here. It is a space filled with empty hours of waiting, with goodbyes and expectations sloshing in from either side. And it's all about mingling and meeting and crashing, air and languages and world views and consumption and culture. My own little identity is in the midst of this, gaping and wondering at all these possibilities.
* Thoughts from Doha, Qatar, when my body clock told me it was about time to switch my brain off and sleep...
Airports are strange. So many barriers are crumbling in these few hundred square metres of internationality. Even though airports are built right at the heart of a nation (most of the time), they do not really belong, they are spaces of their own. Most people don't really want to be there anyway, especially if they are only in transfer. This bit of earth is only a chair to sit down on until that next aircraft carries you to another place, it doesn't matter whether it is in Yemen or Argentina or the Philippines. It is always day at an airport wherever it is, and yet for some people it is 3am in the morning, for others 2pm in the afternoon. Body clocks tick very differently here. It is a space filled with empty hours of waiting, with goodbyes and expectations sloshing in from either side. And it's all about mingling and meeting and crashing, air and languages and world views and consumption and culture. My own little identity is in the midst of this, gaping and wondering at all these possibilities.
* Thoughts from Doha, Qatar, when my body clock told me it was about time to switch my brain off and sleep...
Sonntag, 18. März 2012
Stationed at the Cross
When Katia first asked me whether I wanted to be involved with the 'Stations of the Cross Service', I was battling with the thought of having yet another thing that would cut into my already busy timetable. However, I loved the idea of being able to worship creatively, and her vision for the service was really inspiring; also, I increasingly base my decisions on the time I can then spend with people I want to learn from, so I saw this as an opportunity to get to know her (and some of the other postgrads involved) better. Therefore, I agreed to help out. 
Looking back on the week just past, I am more than glad that I gave in; the making of the stations really was an extraordinary experience.
We almost invaded the Parish Centre, and turned various rooms into wonderful dumps of glue, paper, craft knives and mount boards. What fun! As we were working away throughout the week, a number of people commented on our messy creativity, with bursts of admiration ranging from the UK-ian "quite nice" to the continental "IMPRESSIVE!!" One of the more inquisitive people thought (to our amusement) that we were cutting the stations for Lauren's wedding on Saturday... which would have turned it into a rather sombre occasion I believe!
A beautiful confirmation of God's delight in His worshippers were the details of His provision. On Thursday, when we were in full flow and had quite a number of people working on the stations, we got really hungry but didn't want to lose any time getting food. Just at this moment, someone walked past us with a plate of five leftover baked potatoes, which then filled our five hungry stomachs... they must have been the best baked potatoes we had ever dug our teeth into! We even got dessert by a different person who offered us leftovers from another church event. And on Saturday Katia and I were invited to the leftovers from the wedding – which means we didn't just get ANY food, but WEDDING food!! It's almost as if the Lord wanted to remind us of what will come after that last station...
And then there were those random acts of kindness, like people getting us coffee, vergers renewing the play list every time it ran out, and turning up the music so we could hear it in another room, or staff offering to hoover up our mess after we'd finished.
All this was beautiful. However, one of my key moments (which changed my approach to the whole project after having been very frustrated at the slow progress on Wednesday night) occurred on Thursday, when I was carving the contours of a praying Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane; his figure was stooped down, and just like in the gospel, drops of sweat like blood were falling from His forehead. As most will agree, there is something deeply moving about fully grown men in such agony; this hour of Jesus in the garden, with His disciples asleep, however was only the beginning of an ever-increasing darkness He had to enter. As I was cutting and carving out this figure of Jesus, I entered anew into the realisation of His sacrifice, and it hit me again: "HE DID THIS FOR YOU!!"
Cutting, carving and assembling the stations was not at all about craftsmanship - although for the glory of God I did not want to give less than my very best. But really it was about worshipping and loving the one whose passion we would reflect on as we journeyed through these stations of the cross.
I must say that at first I had been slightly annoyed at the unrealistic plans of carving relieves of several figures for each of the A0-stations, and at the precision and relentlessness that went into the actual process; it would take us days on end, when really we could have put together something much faster and possibly equally effective. But then I realised - isn't the Most High King worthy of such extravagance? In fact, He is worth much more than this; my efforts are like a droplet in the ocean of the sea of praise that should constantly engulf Him! This is only a tiny bit of what I can do to show Him how much I love Him...
As I was cutting and carving, I anticipated the actual service and became aware of the responsibility of the 'visual worship leading' that we had embarked upon; the representation of these stations are likely to have an (even subconscious) impact on people's understanding of the scenes, so the expression of the figures' emotions needed to be faithful. This, too, made me want to give that extra bit, not be satisfied with second-class results: no fringed edges were tolerated, no pencil mark left to smudge the white cardboard. Soon I became completely engrossed in the scenes of the stations. So much so that it was a weird sensation to be cutting the spears that would later pierce Jesus' side, and before that cause Him so much threat and pressure and mocking. Or to cut the beams that would form His cross - my initials are carved right into them... after all, this is what led Him there in the first place.
I think now I can understand a bit more the gift of Mary who poured precious oil over Jesus' feet... yes, if she had sold the oil, she could have given the money to the poor. Yes, if had used my time this week more effectively, I would have got things done. And so could all of us, especially those who had presentations for their courses to do, or Dphils to complete... I found that the hours upon hours spent in creating these stations really epitomised my mission for this Lent - not to prove that I can go without biscuits or coffee for a set amount of time, but to just BE in His presence and go with His gentle promptings. I had tried to consciously give a tenth of my time each day for this, as way of forming a lifetime habit. The results have been incredible, even though they are secondary. The creation of these twelve stations especially will be a reminder of what Lent (and our life really) is all about, and I think I will always think back to this week as a highlight of this season.
Donnerstag, 8. März 2012
smoke
May the beams You break to free me of my prison, and the planks You help me pull out of my eyes be transformed into logs that fuel the fire of worship before Your throne. May it burn and burn and become a pleasing smoke of incense before You, o God.
Dienstag, 6. März 2012
Jesus in You
Where are You taking me, Lord?
- To a place where the angels sing and and where every particle that does not belong to Me is being singed; Jesus in you will lead you there.
I want to come and see You as You really are, Lord, not as what I've made You to be; let my eyes become adjusted to Your beauty... I want to be reminded of the fact that You have called me to eternal life.
What can I say? 'Thank You' are all the words I've got, but they do not come close to describing the swinging of my heart as I train my gaze to behold this horizon...
Through a tunnel I run, towards the light. As I emerge I enter into a thick white fog - the cloud of glory!! The air is filled with angels, and I am drawn into their song, and must sing at the top of my voice, 'Holy, holy, holy God!'
I can see a bridge, leading even deeper into this foggy sea of eternity. At the end of it, there are wide and huge steps, covered in the most sparkling and beautiful jewels and precious stones, all framed in pure gold.
I am terrified of stepping closer, but at the same time filled with an overpowering longing to see what is at the top.
The latter gets the better of me, so I take the first step. The noise and music and voices grow so loud, they are almost deafening. They seem to seep through my very being...
On the second step, the light becomes so glistening that I am almost blinded by it. It is white and shiny and radiant, brighter than anything I've ever seen.
I take the third step, which again is covered in jewels and precious stones and gold, and I can see the shape of feet. Oh the fear and longing to come closer!!
Another step, the fourth one. I look up again and am overwhelmed. Three people are sitting on a throne, all spinning and twirling around each other so that they look like one. And they are laughing with pure joy! It is the most delightful and carefree laughter, that gives you no choice but to join in, so I laugh with them and the joy is almost tangible. At the same time, I am aware that I have never in my life seen anything more holy and worthy and beautiful and majestic...
I dare to go another step, even though my knees are shaking now.
And then the Trinity is looking at me. A gaze that cuts through my innermost being. He knows everything - my past, my present, my future. Evert second of every day is known by Him. Shame is almost taking me down, however, something seems to hold me, like a frame that supports - oh yes, I remember... Jesus in me...
Drawn by this gaze of the Most High I venture one step closer. This sixth step is no longer made of gold, but of something even more beautiful, almost translucent.
And then I see a hand. The King of Kings, Maker of the Universe, is offering me His hand! Is this really happening? I remember all those moments in which His promises seemed so close and real, when He seemed near. It is actually true... and then - oh... my name is engraved in this hand. There it is, LENA, my very own name!
Tears run down my face, but they dry before they hit the ground.
Everything, everything, everything is true...
On my face, on the ground of translucent gold I lie before the throne of my King and Saviour, the One Who Loves Me Most. What my words cannot express, every cell of my body must display - 'I am Yours and there is nowhere I'd rather be!'
There is one more, the seventh step. However, it is not yet meant for me. But when the day of the Joy of Joys comes, I know who is waiting there for me...
- To a place where the angels sing and and where every particle that does not belong to Me is being singed; Jesus in you will lead you there.
I want to come and see You as You really are, Lord, not as what I've made You to be; let my eyes become adjusted to Your beauty... I want to be reminded of the fact that You have called me to eternal life.
What can I say? 'Thank You' are all the words I've got, but they do not come close to describing the swinging of my heart as I train my gaze to behold this horizon...
Through a tunnel I run, towards the light. As I emerge I enter into a thick white fog - the cloud of glory!! The air is filled with angels, and I am drawn into their song, and must sing at the top of my voice, 'Holy, holy, holy God!'
I can see a bridge, leading even deeper into this foggy sea of eternity. At the end of it, there are wide and huge steps, covered in the most sparkling and beautiful jewels and precious stones, all framed in pure gold.
I am terrified of stepping closer, but at the same time filled with an overpowering longing to see what is at the top.
The latter gets the better of me, so I take the first step. The noise and music and voices grow so loud, they are almost deafening. They seem to seep through my very being...
On the second step, the light becomes so glistening that I am almost blinded by it. It is white and shiny and radiant, brighter than anything I've ever seen.
I take the third step, which again is covered in jewels and precious stones and gold, and I can see the shape of feet. Oh the fear and longing to come closer!!
Another step, the fourth one. I look up again and am overwhelmed. Three people are sitting on a throne, all spinning and twirling around each other so that they look like one. And they are laughing with pure joy! It is the most delightful and carefree laughter, that gives you no choice but to join in, so I laugh with them and the joy is almost tangible. At the same time, I am aware that I have never in my life seen anything more holy and worthy and beautiful and majestic...
I dare to go another step, even though my knees are shaking now.
And then the Trinity is looking at me. A gaze that cuts through my innermost being. He knows everything - my past, my present, my future. Evert second of every day is known by Him. Shame is almost taking me down, however, something seems to hold me, like a frame that supports - oh yes, I remember... Jesus in me...
Drawn by this gaze of the Most High I venture one step closer. This sixth step is no longer made of gold, but of something even more beautiful, almost translucent.
And then I see a hand. The King of Kings, Maker of the Universe, is offering me His hand! Is this really happening? I remember all those moments in which His promises seemed so close and real, when He seemed near. It is actually true... and then - oh... my name is engraved in this hand. There it is, LENA, my very own name!
Tears run down my face, but they dry before they hit the ground.
Everything, everything, everything is true...
On my face, on the ground of translucent gold I lie before the throne of my King and Saviour, the One Who Loves Me Most. What my words cannot express, every cell of my body must display - 'I am Yours and there is nowhere I'd rather be!'
There is one more, the seventh step. However, it is not yet meant for me. But when the day of the Joy of Joys comes, I know who is waiting there for me...
Mittwoch, 22. Februar 2012
Fire and Tornado
"Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people." (Exodus 13:22)
"And it came to pass, when Moses entered the tabernacle, that the pillar of cloud descended and stood at the door of the tabernacle, and the LORD talked with Moses." (Exodus 33:9)
----------------------------------------------
What must it be like to be drawn into this tornado when talking to God?
It's as if the three in one are twirling in dance, faster and faster, and to the measure I am submitting to their beckoning I am being roped into their eternal communion. Going up and up in this pillar of cloud, praising God for the rain and in the storm, and resting in the eye of the cloud pillar.
The manifestation of God's presence is awe-inspiring and wild; it is beautiful and terrifying at the same time. When the pillar of fire and the pillar of cloud go before the people, they can burn and sweep clear the way they ought to follow.
Let the pillar of purifying fire be always before us, Lord; sweep us up into Your trinitarian tornado. Lead clearly Lord, and make Your presence known no matter what the cost; it is grace for us to be allowed to follow You...
Montag, 13. Februar 2012
Off my Chest
I was expecting Jesus.*I had spent quite a while cleaning and tidying up and getting the place ready for His arrival. And sure enough, there's a knock on the door - and it's Him! He's come!
But as the Lord takes his first steps into the room, something is clearly going wrong. There is a massive chest of drawers very awkwardly placed right in the centre of the room, and no way to walk past it. How had I missed this?! I had no idea what to do next. Not wasting much time, Jesus, in a very Jesus-like, not reprimanding, but not overly apologetic tone of voice, asks, "What is this?"
Bless Him for asking - we both know what it is. Contritely, I look at the chest of drawers, then at Him, and say in a quiet voice, "My security."
I was hoping and expecting Him to lift it up and carry it out of the room right then. That's what He does, isn't it? Delivering, freeing people, helping them carry His burden instead of theirs. I would even have helped. As soon as I spotted it, I was ready to let go of it. I thought. But then Jesus says, "What is in it?"
Pause. Do we really have to go there, Jesus? Can't we just get rid of it, rather sooner than later, and get this done without creating a mess? It was a harmless question, but there is no choice. And even though I am mortified, I know that Jesus is the only one to whom I can actually entrust the content of these drawers. Strangely, He will be the one most hurt by these secrets, but also the safest person to open up to... So I open the drawers, one by one, laying bare the things I keep as my hidden emergency rations - things I hold on to while withholding trust in the Father's provision.
The first one is filled with clothes, and jewellery and make-up. Yes, there we go, I'm not free of this. I keep a tiny bit of extra 'wardrobe security' just in case; why does it not suffice to draw my beauty out of the knowledge of being cleansed and presented without wrinkles through Jesus (Eph 5:27), and of course the famous 1 Peter 3:4 "g&q spirit"? It's as if I'd never read A.W. Tozer's wise words -
"We need no more be ashamed of our body - the fleshly servant that carries us through life - than Jesus was of the humble beast upon which he rode into Jerusalem. 'The Lord hath need of him' may well apply to our mortal bodies. If Christ dwells in us, we may bear about the Lord of glory as the little beast did of old and give occasion to the multitudes to cry, 'Hosanna in the Highest.'"
It's Jesus in me that gives me the only chance of being the beautiful woman I want to be, and nothing else. And nothing else can ever be as secure...
On to the second drawer. It is filled with certificates, reports, references. Anything that can secure me a job, access to a course, or even just the approval of those I consider more accomplished than myself. It's the snug, "I have studied at this place" and "I was accepted here" and "My third language is", joining all these voices competing and screaming, "Look at me, I am better!"
And even worse, looking into my Maker's eyes while hiding his gifts behind my back, and saying, "They are mine! Don't take them away from me - this is why people love and accept me!" Do I not know that anxiety doesn't add one inch to my life span? That He who lets the lily radiate in beauty will not let me go hungry? Why can I not happily take the place at the end of the table, and wait for Him to assign me the place at His side? It's the orphan heart all over again.
The third drawer is filled with folders and all of them have little name tags on them. I don't even need to take a closer look at them. They are all records of the people who have needed me in the past and who I could support in some way or other. While it certainly hadn't been wrong to do so, my keeping a list of these charitable deeds is highly questionable... What do I think I was doing? Telling myself how kind and compassionate I am? Keeping these folders in order to get them out and waggle them in God's face when He tells me to wash my sister's feet, implying "Look, I've done it already"?
As I flick through the files with the Lord, it dawns on me that I seem to take a deep pleasure in the power that comes of being in the position to help, in being stronger and more together in some way than other people. A fickle hope that I have got at least one part of my life right - and a false pride in controlling this particular area in the lives of my friends. So obviously my left hand has watched intently what my right hand had been doing (Matt 6:3) and made sure the rest of my being (and the world) knew as well... and it seems that I really haven't excelled in the "grace of giving" at all (2 Cor 8). Oh, what a rotten heart...
The fourth drawer is filled with contacts, business cards, address books, and so on, of people that could turn out to be useful; some I rely and depend on quite heavily already; some are pretty big fish, and their cards are stacked in a separate pile. I can see the "spirit of the world" oozing out right there (Eph 4)... why on earth do I think these people can get me any further than the King of the Universe? This really shows my true opinion, the true image I have of the Sovereign Father of all, who "marked out their appointed times in history" (Acts 17:26) in the first place... why would I even want to take a detour and trust in man, when I belong to the one who upholds the earth? A pro has verbalised it thus: "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe." (Prov 29:25)
And then the fifth and last drawer. OH DEAR. I haven't even opened it, and yet already I can spot a white bit of silk sticking out. As I slowly open the drawer and look inside, my worst fears are confirmed. Yes, it's a white dress. A wedding dress. So it seems that deep down I had rather take this matter in my own hands than trust the Father because He is TAKING SO FLIPPIN' LONG!! As innocent as it looks, this piece of silk and lace, it's a ticking bomb, and promises desaster if I hold on to it any longer... but then again, I need to be ready, don't I? I need to show the Lord that I'm ready, and waiting, and that I already have so...
STOP. NOW.
How often do you want Him to repeat that He knows the plans He has for you? Do you still think that this "life to the full" Jesus speaks about (John 10:10) is something kept for the future, is tied to "when's" and "if's"? Have you already forgotten the urges of Jim Elliot, whose words you have learnt by heart:
"Let us not forget - that loss is imagined, not real. I imagine peaks - enjoyment when I think of doing things together, but let not the hoping for it dull the doing of it alone. What is, is actual - what might be simply is not, and I must therefore not query God as though He robbed me - of things that are not. Further, the things that are belong to us, and they are good, God-given, and enriched. Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."
There was a moment, once, when I had surrendered the "desire for your husband", exchanged the Gen 3:16 for the John 3:16 because God "gave His Son"; when I knew that I was made to worship God, and was satisfied in this knowledge. How had this desire managed to wriggle up my aorta again? How could I choose love of man over the love of the ever-faithful, most perfect "husband" (Isaiah 62), whose wedding-"yes" resounds through the ages?
It's all out there now, but I sense this was only the beginning. Surrender is not a motorway. But the Father is kind, and He shows me the room where He would hold these things in storage for me when I hand them over to Him. It's right next to mine, and all I need to do is come and ask if I need anything. Yes, it will be at His command to give it to me or not; that's the difficulty.
But He is a good Father, and in His infinite wisdom He will give me what I need (and more, since even a single droplet out of His well cannot be but a waterfall to me!), and when I need it.
It is about getting to the heart of these two things the Father has told us, and getting the balance of-
"When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." (James 4:3)
"Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." (John 16:24)
He wants my joy to be complete. Complete! And His hands are the only ones to be able to fashion this as and when He wants. Really, what's the point in trying to fashion my life myself, and having to sort through these awkward drawers frantically to get what I want, risking to displease my Father and not even succeeding at my ventures?
So I let go, slowly but more and more confidently. And see the smile on Jesus' face spread wider and wider...
*This is a picture I had during a time of sung worship at my church recently; I don't normally share them widely but sensed that this particular one, even though very relevant to my own life, was intended not just for me alone...
But as the Lord takes his first steps into the room, something is clearly going wrong. There is a massive chest of drawers very awkwardly placed right in the centre of the room, and no way to walk past it. How had I missed this?! I had no idea what to do next. Not wasting much time, Jesus, in a very Jesus-like, not reprimanding, but not overly apologetic tone of voice, asks, "What is this?"
Bless Him for asking - we both know what it is. Contritely, I look at the chest of drawers, then at Him, and say in a quiet voice, "My security."
I was hoping and expecting Him to lift it up and carry it out of the room right then. That's what He does, isn't it? Delivering, freeing people, helping them carry His burden instead of theirs. I would even have helped. As soon as I spotted it, I was ready to let go of it. I thought. But then Jesus says, "What is in it?"
Pause. Do we really have to go there, Jesus? Can't we just get rid of it, rather sooner than later, and get this done without creating a mess? It was a harmless question, but there is no choice. And even though I am mortified, I know that Jesus is the only one to whom I can actually entrust the content of these drawers. Strangely, He will be the one most hurt by these secrets, but also the safest person to open up to... So I open the drawers, one by one, laying bare the things I keep as my hidden emergency rations - things I hold on to while withholding trust in the Father's provision.
The first one is filled with clothes, and jewellery and make-up. Yes, there we go, I'm not free of this. I keep a tiny bit of extra 'wardrobe security' just in case; why does it not suffice to draw my beauty out of the knowledge of being cleansed and presented without wrinkles through Jesus (Eph 5:27), and of course the famous 1 Peter 3:4 "g&q spirit"? It's as if I'd never read A.W. Tozer's wise words -
"We need no more be ashamed of our body - the fleshly servant that carries us through life - than Jesus was of the humble beast upon which he rode into Jerusalem. 'The Lord hath need of him' may well apply to our mortal bodies. If Christ dwells in us, we may bear about the Lord of glory as the little beast did of old and give occasion to the multitudes to cry, 'Hosanna in the Highest.'"
It's Jesus in me that gives me the only chance of being the beautiful woman I want to be, and nothing else. And nothing else can ever be as secure...
On to the second drawer. It is filled with certificates, reports, references. Anything that can secure me a job, access to a course, or even just the approval of those I consider more accomplished than myself. It's the snug, "I have studied at this place" and "I was accepted here" and "My third language is", joining all these voices competing and screaming, "Look at me, I am better!"
And even worse, looking into my Maker's eyes while hiding his gifts behind my back, and saying, "They are mine! Don't take them away from me - this is why people love and accept me!" Do I not know that anxiety doesn't add one inch to my life span? That He who lets the lily radiate in beauty will not let me go hungry? Why can I not happily take the place at the end of the table, and wait for Him to assign me the place at His side? It's the orphan heart all over again.
The third drawer is filled with folders and all of them have little name tags on them. I don't even need to take a closer look at them. They are all records of the people who have needed me in the past and who I could support in some way or other. While it certainly hadn't been wrong to do so, my keeping a list of these charitable deeds is highly questionable... What do I think I was doing? Telling myself how kind and compassionate I am? Keeping these folders in order to get them out and waggle them in God's face when He tells me to wash my sister's feet, implying "Look, I've done it already"?
As I flick through the files with the Lord, it dawns on me that I seem to take a deep pleasure in the power that comes of being in the position to help, in being stronger and more together in some way than other people. A fickle hope that I have got at least one part of my life right - and a false pride in controlling this particular area in the lives of my friends. So obviously my left hand has watched intently what my right hand had been doing (Matt 6:3) and made sure the rest of my being (and the world) knew as well... and it seems that I really haven't excelled in the "grace of giving" at all (2 Cor 8). Oh, what a rotten heart...
The fourth drawer is filled with contacts, business cards, address books, and so on, of people that could turn out to be useful; some I rely and depend on quite heavily already; some are pretty big fish, and their cards are stacked in a separate pile. I can see the "spirit of the world" oozing out right there (Eph 4)... why on earth do I think these people can get me any further than the King of the Universe? This really shows my true opinion, the true image I have of the Sovereign Father of all, who "marked out their appointed times in history" (Acts 17:26) in the first place... why would I even want to take a detour and trust in man, when I belong to the one who upholds the earth? A pro has verbalised it thus: "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe." (Prov 29:25)
And then the fifth and last drawer. OH DEAR. I haven't even opened it, and yet already I can spot a white bit of silk sticking out. As I slowly open the drawer and look inside, my worst fears are confirmed. Yes, it's a white dress. A wedding dress. So it seems that deep down I had rather take this matter in my own hands than trust the Father because He is TAKING SO FLIPPIN' LONG!! As innocent as it looks, this piece of silk and lace, it's a ticking bomb, and promises desaster if I hold on to it any longer... but then again, I need to be ready, don't I? I need to show the Lord that I'm ready, and waiting, and that I already have so...
STOP. NOW.
How often do you want Him to repeat that He knows the plans He has for you? Do you still think that this "life to the full" Jesus speaks about (John 10:10) is something kept for the future, is tied to "when's" and "if's"? Have you already forgotten the urges of Jim Elliot, whose words you have learnt by heart:
"Let us not forget - that loss is imagined, not real. I imagine peaks - enjoyment when I think of doing things together, but let not the hoping for it dull the doing of it alone. What is, is actual - what might be simply is not, and I must therefore not query God as though He robbed me - of things that are not. Further, the things that are belong to us, and they are good, God-given, and enriched. Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."
There was a moment, once, when I had surrendered the "desire for your husband", exchanged the Gen 3:16 for the John 3:16 because God "gave His Son"; when I knew that I was made to worship God, and was satisfied in this knowledge. How had this desire managed to wriggle up my aorta again? How could I choose love of man over the love of the ever-faithful, most perfect "husband" (Isaiah 62), whose wedding-"yes" resounds through the ages?
It's all out there now, but I sense this was only the beginning. Surrender is not a motorway. But the Father is kind, and He shows me the room where He would hold these things in storage for me when I hand them over to Him. It's right next to mine, and all I need to do is come and ask if I need anything. Yes, it will be at His command to give it to me or not; that's the difficulty.
But He is a good Father, and in His infinite wisdom He will give me what I need (and more, since even a single droplet out of His well cannot be but a waterfall to me!), and when I need it.
It is about getting to the heart of these two things the Father has told us, and getting the balance of-
"When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." (James 4:3)
"Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." (John 16:24)
He wants my joy to be complete. Complete! And His hands are the only ones to be able to fashion this as and when He wants. Really, what's the point in trying to fashion my life myself, and having to sort through these awkward drawers frantically to get what I want, risking to displease my Father and not even succeeding at my ventures?
So I let go, slowly but more and more confidently. And see the smile on Jesus' face spread wider and wider...
*This is a picture I had during a time of sung worship at my church recently; I don't normally share them widely but sensed that this particular one, even though very relevant to my own life, was intended not just for me alone...
Sonntag, 12. Februar 2012
kissed
I was hit by God's grace again the other day. As soon as we sin (and we have all sinned) we deserve to be struck dead. Immediately. And yet God gives us laughter, commands the sun to rise and set, gives us good things to enjoy, every day. And for those who accept the outstreched hand of His crucified and resurrected Son, and thereby come back into the stream of life, grace goes even further!
I really should be in awe of His saving grace, on my knees every minute I breathe, and get up on tiptoes reaching out to kiss Him who has brought me back to life.
Only seconds later, however, I read my Bible and this guy Judas walks off the page and stands right there, staring at me -
"And he came up to Jesus at once and said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” And he kissed him." (Matt 26:49)
As he is pointing my finger at me, I shake, and wonder. Abba, am I pure when I come to Your throne? Am I in danger of betraying you - again? Are my lips clean enough to praise, let alone kiss on you?
But God storms against my lies. God's kiss slowly transforms us from frogs to princes(ses), to quote Simon Ponsonby. He is the one who purifies and cleanses, and He is the one who initiated this love story...
I'm reminded of Isaiah and his calling -
"And I said: 'Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!' Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a burning coal that he had taken with tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth and said: 'Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for.'” (Isaiah 6:5-7)
My lips are clean, because You have touched them first. And I'm being drawn again into this spiral of adoration, up and up and up and up...
I really should be in awe of His saving grace, on my knees every minute I breathe, and get up on tiptoes reaching out to kiss Him who has brought me back to life.
Only seconds later, however, I read my Bible and this guy Judas walks off the page and stands right there, staring at me -
"And he came up to Jesus at once and said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” And he kissed him." (Matt 26:49)
As he is pointing my finger at me, I shake, and wonder. Abba, am I pure when I come to Your throne? Am I in danger of betraying you - again? Are my lips clean enough to praise, let alone kiss on you?
But God storms against my lies. God's kiss slowly transforms us from frogs to princes(ses), to quote Simon Ponsonby. He is the one who purifies and cleanses, and He is the one who initiated this love story...
I'm reminded of Isaiah and his calling -
"And I said: 'Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!' Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a burning coal that he had taken with tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth and said: 'Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for.'” (Isaiah 6:5-7)
My lips are clean, because You have touched them first. And I'm being drawn again into this spiral of adoration, up and up and up and up...
Donnerstag, 9. Februar 2012
The Echo of a Promise
You are my fortress and my shield -
let this mirage become reality.
I call you Father and Lord -
built these words into castles of meaning.
Each one of Your names
exhausts the alphabet
and my heart beats wildly
at the faint echo of Your promise,
fearing that the weight of Your love
might fracture and break it.
I see forms and shapes and shadows
like trees walking around.
Put Your hands on my face
gently
till my eyes are opened, and I see clearly.
My head keeps yelling at my heart
to believe, believe, BELIEVE!
Remember my soul, remember!
But you hand me a steaming mug
sit me down on the beach
wrap a blanket around me
and we watch the waves, lapping against the shore.
Rest, this heart of mine.
Later He will teach you to swim.
It's a funny thing
I trust that I will be able to trust
with Your help.
Freitag, 3. Februar 2012
Still Safe
"Unless there's an element of risk in our exploits for God, there's no need for faith." Hudson Taylor
Donnerstag, 2. Februar 2012
Joy will crown their Heads
How intricate is God's salvation plan! What an amazing Lord of Creation, who on the third day speaks vegetation, 'plants bearing seeds', into being:
Including His precious children. But - for joy to crown our heads -
- He Himself had to carry the wilderness, Adam's crown, the thorns of sin and shame, to the cross.
"Then God said, 'Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.' And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day." Genesis 1:11-13And then came Adam, with whom all creation fell. But, fully knowing that it will cost Him everything, God promises the restoration of creation...
"The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom" Isaiah 35:1
Including His precious children. But - for joy to crown our heads -
"everlasting joy will crown their heads." Isaiah 35:10
- He Himself had to carry the wilderness, Adam's crown, the thorns of sin and shame, to the cross.
"and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head." Matthew 27:29On the third day He rose again! And with Him, all creation; we are transformed from Adam's seed to Jesus' seed! In Him we live!
"But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive. But each in turn: Christ, the firstfruits; then, when he comes, those who belong to him. " 1 Corinthians 15:20-23
Donnerstag, 26. Januar 2012
I always knew...
What a beautiful Tim Keller quote on marriage:
"It is to look at another person and to get a glimpse of the person God is creating, and to say, 'I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to His throne.' And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!'"
"It is to look at another person and to get a glimpse of the person God is creating, and to say, 'I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to His throne.' And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!'"
Samstag, 21. Januar 2012
No man like this Man
As I'm yet again beginning to tackle the women-in-ministry question, I found this quote in Rich Nathan's paper on women in leadership. The whole issue really is not primarily about what women (or men) or 'allowed' to do (lead? preach? decide?), but rather what men and women - deep down - are intended to be.
"Perhaps it was no wonder that women were first at the cradle and last at the cross. They had
never known a man like this Man. There never has been such another. A prophet and teacher
who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made sick jokes
about them…who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took
their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out this sphere for them, never
urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no ax to grind and no
uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unselfconscious. There was no act, no sermon, and no parable in the whole gospel that borrows pungency from female perversity. Nobody could possibly guess from the words and deeds of Jesus that there was anything “funny” or inferior about women’s nature."
Dorothy L. Sayers (close friend of C. S. Lewis), Are Women Human?
"Perhaps it was no wonder that women were first at the cradle and last at the cross. They had
never known a man like this Man. There never has been such another. A prophet and teacher
who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made sick jokes
about them…who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took
their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out this sphere for them, never
urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no ax to grind and no
uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unselfconscious. There was no act, no sermon, and no parable in the whole gospel that borrows pungency from female perversity. Nobody could possibly guess from the words and deeds of Jesus that there was anything “funny” or inferior about women’s nature."
Dorothy L. Sayers (close friend of C. S. Lewis), Are Women Human?
Donnerstag, 19. Januar 2012
A Prayer to the God of my Life
"By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life." (Psalm 42:8)
When I hear the multitudes
fast approaching
the enemy prowling
not a second to spare
When I sense I am
losing hold
one to a million
dust in the wind
It is You who reminds me:
I have given my blood
I have parted the waters
Called back the flood
Waves become stepping stones
the lake calms down
You are on the safe side.
The land is won.
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life." (Psalm 42:8)
When I hear the multitudes
fast approaching
the enemy prowling
not a second to spare
When I sense I am
losing hold
one to a million
dust in the wind
It is You who reminds me:
I have given my blood
I have parted the waters
Called back the flood
Waves become stepping stones
the lake calms down
You are on the safe side.
The land is won.
Freitag, 13. Januar 2012
But God...
"But God, who is rich in mercy, out of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with him, and made us sit with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." (Ephesians 2)
"BUT GOD, when he walked by my open grave, instead of turning away from the stench, he said to his Son, 'I want that mess alive. Will you die for him?' And he said yes. And that's how I got saved. And that's how you got saved—or can get saved." (John Piper)
"BUT GOD, when he walked by my open grave, instead of turning away from the stench, he said to his Son, 'I want that mess alive. Will you die for him?' And he said yes. And that's how I got saved. And that's how you got saved—or can get saved." (John Piper)
Mittwoch, 11. Januar 2012
Holy of Holies
Some more from A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God:
“We sense that the call is for us, but still we fail to draw near, and the years pass and we grow old and tired in the outer courts of the tabernacle. What hinders us? (...) What but the presence of a veil in our hearts?- a veil not taken away as the first veil was, but which remains there still shutting out the light and hiding the face of God from us. It is the veil of our fleshly, fallen nature living on, unjudged within us, uncrucified and unrepudiated. (...) It is woven of the fine threads of the self-life (...). They are not something we do, but something we are (...). Self can live unrebuked at the very altar. It can watch the bleeding victim die and not be in the least affected by what it sees. (...) There must be a work of God in destruction before we are free. (...) We must prepare ourselves for an ordeal of suffering in some measure like that through which our Saviour passed when He suffered under Pontius Pilate (…). In human experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue, it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole beings consist, and to touch it is to touch us where we feel pain. To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us and to make us bleed. To say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all. It is never fun to die (…).
Let us beware of tinkering with our inner life, hoping ourselves to rend the veil. God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust. We must confess, forsake, repudiate the self-life, then reckon it crucified. But we must be careful to distinguish lazy 'acceptance' from the real work of God. We must insist upon the work of God being done. We dare not rest content with a neat doctrine of self-crucifixion. That is to imitate Saul and spare the nest of the sheep and oxen. Insist that the work be done in very truth and it will be done. The cross is rough and deadly, but it is effective. It does not keep its victim hanging there forever. There comes a moment when its work is finished and the suffering victim dies. After that is resurrection glory and power, and the pain is forgotten for joy that the veil is taken away and we have entered in actual spiritual experience the presence of the living God.”
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