Off my Chest

I was expecting Jesus.*I had spent quite a while cleaning and tidying up and getting the place ready for His arrival. And sure enough, there's a knock on the door - and it's Him! He's come!
But as the Lord takes his first steps into the room, something is clearly going wrong. There is a massive chest of drawers very awkwardly placed right in the centre of the room, and no way to walk past it. How had I missed this?! I had no idea what to do next. Not wasting much time, Jesus, in a very Jesus-like, not reprimanding, but not overly apologetic tone of voice, asks, "What is this?"

Bless Him for asking - we both know what it is. Contritely, I look at the chest of drawers, then at Him, and say in a quiet voice, "My security."
I was hoping and expecting Him to lift it up and carry it out of the room right then. That's what He does, isn't it? Delivering, freeing people, helping them carry His burden instead of theirs. I would even have helped. As soon as I spotted it, I was ready to let go of it. I thought. But then Jesus says, "What is in it?"

Pause. Do we really have to go there, Jesus? Can't we just get rid of it, rather sooner than later, and get this done without creating a mess? It was a harmless question, but there is no choice. And even though I am mortified, I know that Jesus is the only one to whom I can actually entrust the content of these drawers. Strangely, He will be the one most hurt by these secrets, but also the safest person to open up to... So I open the drawers, one by one, laying bare the things I keep as my hidden emergency rations - things I hold on to while withholding trust in the Father's provision.

The first one is filled with clothes, and jewellery and make-up. Yes, there we go, I'm not free of this. I keep a tiny bit of extra 'wardrobe security' just in case; why does it not suffice to draw my beauty out of the knowledge of being cleansed and presented without wrinkles through Jesus (Eph 5:27), and of course the famous 1 Peter 3:4 "g&q spirit"? It's as if I'd never read A.W. Tozer's wise words -
"We need no more be ashamed of our body - the fleshly servant that carries us through life - than Jesus was of the humble beast upon which he rode into Jerusalem. 'The Lord hath need of him' may well apply to our mortal bodies. If Christ dwells in us, we may bear about the Lord of glory as the little beast did of old and give occasion to the multitudes to cry, 'Hosanna in the Highest.'"
It's Jesus in me that gives me the only chance of being the beautiful woman I want to be, and nothing else. And nothing else can ever be as secure...

On to the second drawer. It is filled with certificates, reports, references. Anything that can secure me a job, access to a course, or even just the approval of those I consider more accomplished than myself. It's the snug, "I have studied at this place" and "I was accepted here" and "My third language is", joining all these voices competing and screaming, "Look at me, I am better!"
And even worse, looking into my Maker's eyes while hiding his gifts behind my back, and saying, "They are mine! Don't take them away from me - this is why people love and accept me!" Do I not know that anxiety doesn't add one inch to my life span? That He who lets the lily radiate in beauty will not let me go hungry? Why can I not happily take the place at the end of the table, and wait for Him to assign me the place at His side? It's the orphan heart all over again.

The third drawer is filled with folders and all of them have little name tags on them. I don't even need to take a closer look at them. They are all records of the people who have needed me in the past and who I could support in some way or other. While it certainly hadn't been wrong to do so, my keeping a list of these charitable deeds is highly questionable... What do I think I was doing? Telling myself how kind and compassionate I am? Keeping these folders in order to get them out and waggle them in God's face when He tells me to wash my sister's feet, implying "Look, I've done it already"?
As I flick through the files with the Lord, it dawns on me that I seem to take a deep pleasure in the power that comes of being in the position to help, in being stronger and more together in some way than other people. A fickle hope that I have got at least one part of my life right - and a false pride in controlling this particular area in the lives of my friends. So obviously my left hand has watched intently what my right hand had been doing (Matt 6:3) and made sure the rest of my being (and the world) knew as well... and it seems that I really haven't excelled in the "grace of giving" at all (2 Cor 8). Oh, what a rotten heart...

The fourth drawer is filled with contacts, business cards, address books, and so on, of people that could turn out to be useful; some I rely and depend on quite heavily already; some are pretty big fish, and their cards are stacked in a separate pile. I can see the "spirit of the world" oozing out right there (Eph 4)... why on earth do I think these people can get me any further than the King of the Universe? This really shows my true opinion, the true image I have of the Sovereign Father of all, who "marked out their appointed times in history" (Acts 17:26) in the first place... why would I even want to take a detour and trust in man, when I belong to the one who upholds the earth? A pro has verbalised it thus: "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe." (Prov 29:25)

And then the fifth and last drawer. OH DEAR. I haven't even opened it, and yet already I can spot a white bit of silk sticking out. As I slowly open the drawer and look inside, my worst fears are confirmed. Yes, it's a white dress. A wedding dress. So it seems that deep down I had rather take this matter in my own hands than trust the Father because He is TAKING SO FLIPPIN' LONG!! As innocent as it looks, this piece of silk and lace, it's a ticking bomb, and promises desaster if I hold on to it any longer... but then again, I need to be ready, don't I? I need to show the Lord that I'm ready, and waiting, and that I already have so...
STOP. NOW.
How often do you want Him to repeat that He knows the plans He has for you? Do you still think that this "life to the full" Jesus speaks about (John 10:10) is something kept for the future, is tied to "when's" and "if's"? Have you already forgotten the urges of Jim Elliot, whose words you have learnt by heart:
"Let us not forget - that loss is imagined, not real. I imagine peaks - enjoyment when I think of doing things together, but let not the hoping for it dull the doing of it alone. What is, is actual - what might be simply is not, and I must therefore not query God as though He robbed me - of things that are not. Further, the things that are belong to us, and they are good, God-given, and enriched. Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."
There was a moment, once, when I had surrendered the "desire for your husband", exchanged the Gen 3:16 for the John 3:16 because God "gave His Son"; when I knew that I was made to worship God, and was satisfied in this knowledge. How had this desire managed to wriggle up my aorta again? How could I choose love of man over the love of the ever-faithful, most perfect "husband" (Isaiah 62), whose wedding-"yes" resounds through the ages?

It's all out there now, but I sense this was only the beginning. Surrender is not a motorway. But the Father is kind, and He shows me the room where He would hold these things in storage for me when I hand them over to Him. It's right next to mine, and all I need to do is come and ask if I need anything. Yes, it will be at His command to give it to me or not; that's the difficulty.
But He is a good Father, and in His infinite wisdom He will give me what I need (and more, since even a single droplet out of His well cannot be but a waterfall to me!), and when I need it.
It is about getting to the heart of these two things the Father has told us, and getting the balance of-
"When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." (James 4:3)
"Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." (John 16:24)
He wants my joy to be complete. Complete! And His hands are the only ones to be able to fashion this as and when He wants. Really, what's the point in trying to fashion my life myself, and having to sort through these awkward drawers frantically to get what I want, risking to displease my Father and not even succeeding at my ventures?

So I let go, slowly but more and more confidently. And see the smile on Jesus' face spread wider and wider...

*This is a picture I had during a time of sung worship at my church recently; I don't normally share them widely but sensed that this particular one, even though very relevant to my own life, was intended not just for me alone...